Getting To No — Telling clients and co-workers to sod off without offending them. Part 1 of 4.
As a crossdresser working in a busy advertising agency, I am often asked to involve myself on projects that are a complete waste of time, and serve no purpose whatsoever. With this in mind I’ve been forced to come up with ways to extract myself from situations in the workplace with apparently plausible refusals, without actually appearing to refuse at all.
This is a short but valuable guide for people who need to say ‘no’, without giving offence. In it I’ll deal with a few suggestions, some of which will save your corporate career. There’s a few things here that may have a practical application in the personal realm, but this is more aimed at the professional workplace. I know you’ll find it to be of help.
Fiona.
Getting To No — Telling clients and co-workers to sod off without offending them.
Since the original publication of this paper, ‘Getting To No’ has helped several people learn a better way to negotiate and manage difficult workplace situations. One of the primary texts in use with several terrorist groups, and the Republican Party, the method described deals with all levels of conflict resolution.
It’s true. The advertising industry will teach you one thing above all else. We are surrounded by idiots, and they really are out to get us. But, it’s ok. I’m here to help.
Unlike many, I will cut straight to the chase. You are in a busy workplace, and there are people out there ready to ambush you with time wasting exercises, trying to offload their problems on to you, and trying to inveigle you into projects that are doomed to fail. Yet, you’re expected to be positive and can’t be seen to be obstructionist. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.
I come at this from having worked in advertising on three continents. I’ve always managed to stay marginally ahead of the human resources director, and been promoted out of failing departments or accounts just fast enough for people not to realise how bad I am at my job. I have literally been promoted to a post in which I’ve had to oversee the liquation of a department so horribly incompetent it should never have existed. Indeed, it never would have existed but for the fact that I created it in the first place. I have demonstrated vast knowledge of data mining, by staying three pages ahead of the director above me in ‘the idiots guide to datamining’. I could tell you other stories, but you get the general idea.
I will list a few techniques, some useful phrases and one or two ideas to kill a project dead. I hope you’ll value these, and encourage you to share them widely. To be a crossdresser and thrive in the world of advertising, skiing all over North America (for a major ski company), and addressing numerous conferences on behalf of major clients, and not to have been hurled off a ski lift or thrown from a hotel balcony after witnessing some of the insanity of the world of advertising continually surprises me.
Partly my survival can be attributed to my ability to let the situation speak for me. It should be remembered that, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then silence is worth a thousand more. When a particularly unkind director made a joke about Germans in the second war — which I acknowledge would be less likely in the workplace today — during a creative meeting, quietly rising to my feet, sniffing loudly and dabbing one eye with a Kleenex and walking from the room resulted in a hushed silence.
A well placed word or two afterwards and the impression was gained that something unspeakable had happened to my grandfather in the war, at the hands of German soldiers. The word was that he was with ‘The Underground’. It was a matter that I was apparently deeply affected by, being both mysterious and horrendous in nature. This was not entirely untrue. He did work on the underground trains in London. However, the matter was evidently of such deep and sensitive nature that it merited a hand written note of apology from the Creative Director, a small increase in salary and was elevated to a title which at least implied that I was a manager. In time the implication led to further promotion and a path into management.
Here are a few words that, when placed at the right moment can change a mundane career into one on an upward trajectory. The manner in which they are delivered is, of course important. My best suggestion is to mix and match some of the following methods. The hushed whisper, the shaken head and slowly spoken delivery, the look into the far horizon with a puzzled frown, and of course, the closed eyes and hand to the forehead.
Here’s your starter list:
· “How dare you mention that. Here!”
· “I’m sorry, but I find that offensive.”
· “I can’t speak.”
· “The last time I heard those words… no!”
· “Do you understand what you just said?”
The practiced slow walk to the boardroom doorway, with the practiced stare at the floor and halting breath. You may wish to practice this when buying your next Starbucks coffee. This method does depend on your ability to get to the door and close it, before anyone has realised quite what has happened. A swift exit to the pub or a nearby bar where you can’t be found is strongly recommended for the following hour. When you return to the office you’re sure to be asked ‘how you are’. This gives you the opportunity to deliver the coup de grace.
“I’m recovering,” said very calmly with a forced smile.
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