The Crossdressing Masquerade.
There are nuances and subtleties to crossdressing that still surprise me. One of them is how I feel when I use makeup. This was brought home to me recently when I dressed in a rather more extreme way, and went out in what one might call ‘full drag’.
I would say that this is quite different from my usual crossdressing. For a start the make up is far more vivid, and it’s really part of a performance process. It so happens that I am called on to appear on stage from time to time, so I am no stranger to performance art. However, only when I started dressing in full drag did I experience the unusual difference between this and simply dressing in a feminine style.
To explain the difference I will try and put it in full context. It’s not unusual for me to dress in a very feminine manner every day. Some days are slightly more androgynous than others, but generally I would say I am about 60% femme, and 40% masculine — and the blend of this places me firmly in the non-binary spectrum. So, I enjoy wearing a little eye shadow, occasional blush and lipstick. This is what one might describe as a practical level of make up. It makes it quite clear to others that I am not masculine, and allows me to enjoy my feminine side.
My make up is generally quite conservative. Burgundys and bronze colors, which go well with my natural coloring. It’s fun, often gentle and while noticeable, it’s not over-powering.
I am comfortable now walking into a bar and living in this way in most situations and I’ve never really met any resistance to it, either from people I encounter generally, or from friends. It seems to fall into the realm of what might be described as ‘acceptable’ in the community in which I live. However, the first time I went out dressed and made up it was a lot more challenging. In fact it was quite frightening, until I found the right balance for myself.
And then there’s drag. There’s nothing subtle about the make up. Nor the colors. Nor anything else to do with drag. Show me a shy drag queen and I’ll show you a crossdresser. So, when I pull out those harsh primary colors, paint an eyebrow line in black an inch and a half above my usual eyebrow (by now glued down and masked with concealer) and then douse myself in purple glitter there’s a very different process going on.
Like anyone wearing a mask, my behaviour is slightly different. I am far more outgoing. I am louder, I am ‘out there’ and I am performing. An interesting side effect of this is that I do not feel at all embarrassed or awkward. Unlike those early forays out into the world crossdressed, this is like bursting onto the scene and grabbing the world by the throat.
I commented to a friend how very different this felt, compared to crossdressing, and they shared the fact that they too felt that way. The drag make up is much more like a mask, and therefore it seems almost ‘safer’. It’s sufficiently unlike the person beneath the mask to create some sense of distance. Some sense of safety. After all, performance is just a performance.
I do think that the early steps into wearing feminine clothing in public require enormous courage. It’s like saying, ‘this is the real me!’ and as such it is both very authentic and also something that makes us feel quite vulnerable.
Putting on a full spread of drag make up is not the same thing at all. It’s more akin to creating a character. And that can be more comfortable in some ways. However, as I happen to be going out in drag tonight, I have to get ready. It will take at least 45 minutes, rather than three, to put this make up on. I’d better get going!
😊
Fiona
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